Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Dean Winchester Award 1: Batman's Special Attack

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, your attention please...

It is with great pleasure, I introduce to you a new segment of this fine online series of textual opinion...



This prestigious honour will be bestowed upon only those who manage to equal or even exceed (if that is even cosmically possible) the insane awesomeness and sexual epicery of Dean Winchester.

And the winner of today's award is...



1980s BATMAN!

The award is bestowed on this specific incarnation of the Dark Knight, not because of his nightmarish adventures in his elder years (The Dark Knight Returns) not for his efforts in establishing himself as an urban vigilante against the weed of unstoppable white-collar crime (Batman: Year One) and not even for his apprehension of the kooky villain 'Magpie' (with the help of Superman in Man of Steel #3); but instead for the way he handled a bodyguard from the fictional, hilariously named Bogatago (I say "fictional" because I can't seem to find it listed in Google Earth or Google Maps).

Our adventure begins with Robin (the second one; the trouble, angry young man named Jason Todd) answering the scream of a woman in a high-rise building (because...you know...Robin swings on ropes and can reach high floors). Upon entry, he discovers the sleaze of one Felipe Garzonas, who he quickly subdues, only to be cornered by the burly 'Juan'...



At this point, Batman uses his deus ex machina powers to come to the lad's rescue, appearing out of nowhere (as he always does)...



What happens next is what makes this issue so very special and hilariously awesome. For in the very next panel, we are given this eloquent piece of pop art...



The fact that it isn't even the primary focus of the panel (Batman chastising his reckless young partner, is) is what makes it so stupidly beautiful.

Batman just drilled a guy into a wall.

It took him TWENTY SECONDS.

And of course, because he's Batman, we question not his ability to perform this most absurd fighting art, nor do we lament the artist for not showing us this gorgeous piece of violence as it is actually happens. This is why the Caped Crusader has earned the award I proudly bestow upon him.

BONUS EPICERY:

For some reason, the issue also seems to have an anti-Cocaine message ingrained into it (it was the 1980s, after all), as this beautiful piece of dialogue shows us:



But that's not even the best part:



Batman-vs-Cocaine.

I'll leave you with the awesomeness of that concept and I won't even mention how the rest of the issue involves Batman and Robin taking down an hilariously shoddy cocaine-ring headed by a bizarrely-bearded lumberjack-esque man named 'Parker'.

2 comments:

  1. Nicely played. Keep this up and I might actually bookmark your blog.

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  2. 80's batman...he was great, actually love the 70's and 80's comics, read through my brother's whole collection and I couldn't get enough of them. I'm so glad they rescued Batman from the horror of the campy 50's and 60's comics. Nowadays they would show that wall drilling in all its glory.

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