Anyway, for those of you who remain mystified, TransMorphers is an hilariously blatant ripoff of another film about robots, that just so happened to hit the DVD shelves around the same time. It's made by The Asylum, a film company whose back-catalogue of films are almost entirely made up of similar 'mockbusters' (see: Alien-Vs-Hunter, 2012: Doomsday and The Day The Earth Stopped).
In anticipation for their Sherlock Holmes blockbuster (which sees Holmes and Watson battling DINOSAURS, DRAGONS and BATTLE-SUIT SPRING HEELED JACK!), I decided to review their first prequel; the confusingly titled 'Transmorphers 2'. Don't worry, I haven't seen the first one, so if you don't understand what's going on based on my description, don't worry, because chances are, neither will I.
So, here goes!
- Open with eerie chaotic music over a sepia cityscape...ooh how epic!!
- The names of actors whose names ring bells but are probably no-namers (Bruce Boxleitner should have a career based on his name alone)
- The music is really epic.
- An opening narration from a guy who is blatantly reading off a card.
- Cut to spoiled bitch with cocaine nose, shouting at (I guess) her boyfriend on the phone.
- Oh, cocaine bitch is in trouble with the LAW!
- Police Officer sounds and looks just like James Cromwell. Probably why he doesn't have a career. Shame, because he actually is kind of acting, here. He doesn't give Coke Bitch a ticket, because he just wants her to be safe and he lets her off with a warning (but still manages to be kind of a badass. I like this guy.)
- "No, I didn't get a ticket! Why? Because some people think I'm beautiful, that's why!" (Women is bitches)
- HOLY SHIT! Cocaine Bitch's blackberry just TRANSMORPHED!!!
- "Oh my God..." in a way that sounds like she spilled a tiny bit of her triple-shot mocha latte.
- Cue to dizzied hand-cam shots, so they don't have to pay for special effects...(Really satisfying to see cocaine bitch get her come-uppance, though).
- The scene ends with cocaine bitch getting weirdo zapped by the little thing.
- Okay, so we're at a military base with two of the worst actors in
- Cityscape! Night-time! Stock footage!
- So, we're in a coffee shop, with two likeable people one of them is a middle-aged scientist type (she's got a laptop, so I guess she's a scientist).
- OMG! Someone in her newspaper died! She forgets her credit card and runs into the next scene.
- Barrack Obama greets someone called Collins and has some basic by-play about literally nothing. "Come on, walk!" he says.
Really? Can we?
- Sexy Old Man Action Cop is back with the dead body of Coke Bitch (fuck yeah! She's dead!) in a morgue, with Obama and Collins.
- Holy crap! It's Daphne from Scooby-Doo!
- Daphne gets in her car and listens to some crap indie song and reacts really positively to it (obviously a song they forced in there, promising promotion)
- The radio stops working. She pulls up to a house where a boy is playing with a remote-controlled helicopter. Seriously, what do we think is going to happen here?
- Daphne walks into her home, where her Nana is played by John Rocha.
The TV is static. She picks up a phone from 1992 and calls someone.
- In a trailer with the appropriate amount of pizza boxes and beer bottles tossed all over the phone. Guy-who-is-too-hot-to-be-living-like-this picks up the phone and hears his boss cursing at him (they had to make this an R-movie, somehow).
- Obama and Action Cop have a talk about...something. At this point I'm starting to realise that there has been far too little Transmorphing in this film, so far.
- Sexy Alco guy gets out of his soccer mom jeep (which doesn't make any sense considering his being an alcoholic mess).
- Alco Guy greets Daphne (But there's HISTORY!!)
- Nana is a crazy person, apparently and unsurprisingly.
- Alco guy is being called 'Fred' by me, from now on (so much HISTORY! between him and Daphne-girl).
- A satellite transmorphs into an alien robot thing. Fred pulls a GUN! Shit's on!
- He uses this opportunity to mount Daphne and give her the familiar "You have to get out of here!" bit.
- Fred then runs outside and uses this opportunity to pose with his gun for nearly ten seconds.
Literally, like ten fucking seconds.
- We're back to scientist lady (now Government lady, apparently). Action Cop meets her and there's routine questions.
- Action Cop doesn't know what kind of cellphone Coke Bitch used...he doesn't use 'em himself!
- Expo Guy and English Girl are back and there's trouble.
- We've got another guy listening to music in a car. He (I'm not joking) rolls a joint in his car and suddenly notices a cop. The cop passes him out! Fuck yeah, he's in the clear! For some weird reason, he has SatNav. We quickly discover that the reason for this is to create a contrived situation for the TransMorphers to tell him they're going to kill him (which they do). Before they can do that, though, he says "Fer reals?!"
- Daphne is related to Action Cop. Fred gives Action Cop his gun. Action Cop is related to Daphne. They talk about what has happened so far. My head explodes with interest.
- Action Cop: "My God..."
- All three action characters clamber into the Action Cop Car and drive off into the Action.
- Cue, another scene of people reading exposition from cue cards.
- Action Cop arrives at a murder scene (oh...they explained that) and finds joint-guy dead, with a crowd of people looking at him, including A LITTLE BOY who is most informative. Best to trust children at the scene of a crime, I suppose.
- We have the traditional "What the hell is going on?!" bit in the Action Car with Daphne. Daphne gets out of the car and starts running down the street. We get to see her underwear here, because of her ridiculous clothes.
- Fred shouts about their history as she runs away.
- For the same non-existent reason that she got out of the car, she gets back in.
- WHAT THE FUCK?! A budding romance between Action Cop (who is pushing 70, easily) and English scientist (who's got to be younger than Daphne). This movie is messed up. Plus, we still haven't seen any real TransMorpher action, yet (although I'm fairly confident that that's not going to happen anytime soon).
- Sure enough, The Action Cop Car starts getting smacked around by the supposedly empty Joint-Guy SUV (but there's clearly someone in it).
- Action Cop pulls a James Bond gun (a Walther P99 and nothing a beat-cop would ever use) on the SUV. Out pops a robot. FINALLY!
- Action cop retreats and starts escaping. Unfortunately, the scene again just becomes about the SUV chasing him (damn, I really thought we were going to have some robot action there). "Damn it all!" says Action Cop.
- FULL-ON TRANSMORPHICATION!!
- A heroic helicopter comes along and saves The Action Trio. Unfortunately (for us) it's Exposition Government Girl. They jump into another SUV (they obviously couldn't afford to have a scene set in a real helicopter).
- It's hard to tell whether or not she's even trying to do an American accent, anymore.
- The escape SUV arrives in the middle of the road, in front of Expo Man, where Expo Girl delivers the immortal line "They’ve seen them transmorph..." I honestly thought they might try and avoid using that line, but of course they don't.
- "A common purpose..." Expo Guy is hilarious.
"Don't worry about that! We have [the mysterious cellphone] locked in a bulletproof container!! Made of stainless steel!!" (Points at a fridge).
- At this point, Expo Guy just goes ahead and rips off the plot device of the Allspark in the actual TransFormers movie. Turns out the
-Turns out Fred is basically an expert at unmanned remote controlled vehicles or something. So...he plays Xbox a lot, then.
- The soldier guarding the Fridge hears noises. EXPLOZHUN!!
- "It's them..."
- Cue actual, honest-to-God scene of a Transmorpher shooting up the military base. FUCK yeah! (The same shot of the Transmorpher shooting everyone is used about ten times).
Looking at this photo for as long as I have...is depressing. Really depressing. It's kind of sick that this exists and is as bad as it is. There, I said it. Blink and you'll have missed it.
- Geez, Fred knows literally everything. Action Cop makes a suggestion about 'blocking the TV so the remote don't work'.
- Wahey! Expo Guy gets stomped on!
- Action Cop, Fred and Daphne pick up some weapons, while Optimus Fake kills some more people, including Expo Girl (this scene is really satisfying).
- ACTION COP CAN FLY HELICOPTERS!
- Fred poses with his (even bigger) gun.
- Daphne is killed! NOOO! Oh no wait, she's not.
- Action Cop: "Taste this, tinhead!"
- ACTION COP SACRIFICE! NOOOOOOOO!
- Fade to black.
- More narration. This time from Daphne. We see footage from the first TransMorpher movie to show the sinister road ahead (spoiler warning: the humans fall and the 'Morphers shoot up the whole damn planet).
- Daphne and Fred mourn Action Cop over a beer. Turns out Action Cop always looked at Fred as a son. (This makes, of course, no sense, based on the lack of history given to us, so far).
- "So...you can shoot guns and kill giant robots but you can't dance?" Probably my favourite line in the film.
- Fred tells us of his past. Woe-filled. "Every single one of my men was dead," etc.
- Kissing! (With sexy love-filled rock music)
- OMG love scene!
- The morning after. Explosion sounds. Shocked onlookers. METEOR SHOWER!
- Fred and Daphne are dressed in black, for badassery.
- "We didn't stop the signal..."
- "THE MACHINES ARE COMING."
- At this point, it feels like I'm watching a sequel to the last 50 minutes. Jammed signal followed by Dead Action Cop followed by love scene... that felt like the end of the movie. But apparently not, there's another twenty or so minutes of this funny drivel.
- A fairly decent (if still pretty fake) shot of a flying Transmorpher flying and shooting at the New Action Trio's (the nerdy Government laptop middle-ager makes up the third member) SUV.
- Turns out the whole "shutting down all our defences in case there's robots in them" thing was EXACTLY WHAT THE ROBOTS PLANNED ALL ALONG!!!
- "They've take over everything..." "They've taken over the entire planet..." etc.
- BOOM! SUV explodes. Hopefully Daphne and Gov lady are dead.
- Nope. Gov Lady lives. And yeah...there's Daphne too.
- Oh yay, Gov Lady has shrapnel in her leg.
- "Just hang in there!" for about ten seconds, before an ominous, white car arrives, out of nowhere. Obama is back (man, we haven't seen him since the start of the movie!)
- Turns out there's a mini-refugee camp set up, for obvious reasons. Another five minutes goes by without any transmorphing.
- Gov Lady talks about the difference between Extra-Terrestrials and Aliens. Not only does that concept not make any sense, but she literally sounds drunk and stoned while talking in this scene. Plus, she's completely fine and full of energy after her injury, apparently.
- Obama-guy used to be Mayor. Heh.
- Fred's shoulder-wound (from the explosion) keeps changing.
- Pacemaker-girl (who they've been talking about, intermittently for the whole movie) is at the refugee camp, apparently, and her pacemaker does what everyone watching the movie thought it would do as soon as she turned up. Luckily, some guy shoots the crap out of her and the PaceBot (which looks exactly the same as the BlackBerryBot) dies.
- The gang gather together beside a load of maps (guess they were clever enough to bring maps to their end-of-the-world-emergency-camp) to figure out A PLAN to 'save the water'. Fred's wound is ridiculously fake by now.
- "The bastards killed my uncle...I wouldn't miss this for the world!" says Daphne.
- There's a badass-looking, bandana-wearing, dreadlock-sporting Action Black Guy hanging out with the gang, now. My guess is that he is the redshirt of the group.
- What? He's disappeared and is now replaced by guy-who-shot-Pacebot from a minute ago.
- "Down, down downdown!" (There's nothing there. Absent special effect, I imagine).
- Guy-who-killed-pacebot is killed by one of the blue-lasers.
- Super Mario (wearing black to be a badass) walks into the movie for no reason and has some exposition.
Pizza Mario, eh? Pep-peroni pizza...
- Okay, the machines are 'changing the water' or something. We've got to stop them. (this film is a three-part-episode of a TV show. It's not a movie).
- HOLY CRAP! A TRANSMORPHER! Another redshirt dies.
- Super Mario drives a car into the Final Showdown Base and gets lasered because his gun jams (should have used Flower Power).
The Academy failed in not giving this man an Oscar. Damn The Academy. They made the wrong choice.
- Barrack Obama gets lasered. Gov Lady salutes him... (swear to God this actually happens).
- Fred plants a bomb in The Base before being confronted by three Flying Morphers.
- The Base blows up as Gov Lady (who can run fine now, in spite of her wound) and Daphne run away in slow-motionz.
- Fade to Black. Piano music.
- Fred escapes, somehow. Jesus, did he really kill three Transmorphers?! Badass! What isn't badass is that we never actually see him do it.
- "Our victory came at a price." blah, blah, blah
- The film indulges in its most depressing Transformers ripoff (even throwing a bit of Terminator in for good measure): "I am Jake Van Something. I am the leader of the Human Resistance. This message goes out to...blah, blah, blah, exactly the same thing as Optimus Prime says at the end of the first Transformers movie".
"Ooooooooooh" sings the singer of the clichéd somber song during the end credits.
So there we go! Clocking in at just over an hour and twenty minutes!
I can honestly say that I probably enjoyed that a smidgen more than I enjoyed Transformers 2. However, I certainly did not enjoy it more than the first Transformers movie (aka, the one that this one happens to be shamelessly ripping off). It made for a funny waste of time, though.
Upon reflection of this live-review, I have a few things to point out:
- Action Cop never got any action with his freakishly inappropriately aged scientist woman. In fact, whatever happened to her?
- That little boy (who I guess was Daphne’s son) never shows up again and his helicopter never turns into a TransMorpher (I was SURE it would).
Anyway, if you have some beers, some friends, and nothing better to do, you could do a lot worse than to spend 80 minutes laughing at the inadequacies of this film/three-part failed TV pilot.
Check back in a few days for the epic Sherlock Holmes review! DINOSAURS! DRAGONS! SPRING-HEELED JACK! I can't wait.