Saturday, January 28, 2012

Bootleg Blogging: "Figures Warrior" is the Greatest Superhero Crossover Movie I've Never Seen

While perusing through our fair city today, I happened across this astonishing gem of the action figure world for a meagre €2.

I'm utterly stunned by how completely epic in scope this figure-set is. Based on the image-saturated blister-pack, it seems to tie-in to a movie experience that  not only teams up Batman, Spider-Man and Superman (played by Christopher Reeve, as seen next to Spider-Man's left arm) but also a whopping FIVE teams of Power Rangers (meaning that on at least two occasions, a Ranger is teaming up with himself). I find it odd that as such a rabid fan of all of these characters, that I've never heard of this epic movie. To think I was looking forward to something as mundane as "The Avengers" this Summer, not knowing that there had already been a gigantic inter-company crossover movie like "FIGURES WARRIOR: SUPER HERO"! 

First off, let's take a look at the two heroes that come as part of this mighty set. First off, there's Batman, who's wearing some sort of 'West Coast Customs Batsuit' (with stylish, albeit utterly pointless decals), who does not appear to be in possession of a cape (perhaps the perilous plot that forced the hand of so many heroes led to the destruction of the Batcave...and all of his capes). Batman has a bizarre three-pronged design on his head, that almost looks like the head-ridges seen on the Klingon race. Perhaps this movie is so epic that it even ties into Star Trek, making this incarnation of the Dark Knight one of Bruce Wayne's half-human, half-Klingon descendants? It would certainly explain his unusually brownish skin-tone. This Batman is cross-eyed and seems to have extremely swollen lips; perhaps a result of the vicious battle which has just taken place?

Next, we have Spider-Man, but just like the not-so-caped crusader, all is not as it seems with our Webbed Wonder. Spider-Man has not one, but two Spider-Insignias on his chest (one for each pec). Perhaps again that this is some sort of descendant of Peter Parker's? Or maybe Peter himself was bitten by a SECOND radioactive spider, enabling him to do whatever two spiders can?! Just like Batman, Spider-Man seems to be appropriately battle-scarred, as the web-decals on his costume are faded and only cover the front part of his body. The blues are tinged with dollops of red throughout, possibly the blood of our relentless hero's enemies.

Both heroes are equipped with self-styled Justice-Bikes with extra stabilisation (they have stabilisers), with their names conveniently scrawled on them numerous different times. Batman even saw fit to draw a picture of the Animated Series version of himself on the side of his bike. Alas, there must have been so many units of this particular set shipped that on occasion the makers forgot to give the heroes their corresponding bikes, for the shop in which I bought this had multiple packs that featured two spider-bikes. The humiliation!

Between the two heroes and their mighty rides are a miniature army of Spider-Men; two black, three red. Perhaps one of this enhanced Spider-Man 2.0's powers include the mystical ability to duplicate himself into minimen?

Both heroes feature Crime-Stopping Chestlights to light the darkest corners of this Hellish new world wherein the Figures Warrior fight their epic battles.

The bottom of the pack promises that there are indeed "More items available" and that they have "Superior Performance". This has left me scratching my head. Does this mean there's a TWENTY-FOUR-FIGURES WARRIOR SET comprising the entire collection of Power Rangers and Christopher Reeve Superman? And that they have even more mystical, exclusive powers and costumes? If so, point me in the right direction to where I can buy this essential collection! I won't rest until my FIGURES WARRIOR: SUPER-HERO collection is complete!

A movie-screencap from "Figures Warrior: Super Hero"

I also really want to see the film that this action figure line seems to be based on. I'm stunned that they somehow managed to get Christopher Reeve to return for a fifth outing as Superman. I'm even a bit confused, as Reeve had long since broken his back and become paralysed from the neck down by the time the first Spider-Man movie came out, not to mention by the time most of the series of Power Rangers on display came on air. Perhaps they just stock footage from the many deleted scenes from "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace"? Also, why did the producers choose to go with George Clooney as Batman when "Batman & Robin" polarised audiences so completely? Perhaps the unusual blend of Power Rangers and Superman, coupled with Clooney's ill-advised return was what led to this movie tanking at the box-office and never being mentioned ever again? Either way, I really want to see it and will pay top-dollar for the DVD.

Seen above are Batman and Spider-Man, riding their mighty Justice-Bikes (as best they can) enroute to the next perilous Figures Warrior mission. 


  1. Wow, sounds like a great movie! How did I miss it in the cinema?! Hardly went straight to DVD, did it??

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